Sunday, July 25, 2010
I've grown so much at camp this summer. I realized that all the depression and feelings I had during the last school year had less to do with how other people actually treated me and more to do with how I actually perceived their treatment of me. Because I was not satisfied with myself and who I was, I thought that other people were not satisfied with me. I've been convicted of this attitude this summer. As I've come to find myself this summer, as I've given up my plans for my life at school and given in to God's, He's shown me just how much of my depression had to do with my own thoughts. I've been so closely connected to God and to people on fire for Him, that my own selfish thoughts and self-condemnation have become less and less. I still struggle with pride and low self-esteem, but because I have realized that those thoughts are completely the opposite of what is right, through God's grace I have found healing. Healing from myself. I know that there are several things I need to do when I get back to school: get connected with my mentor, become a mentor (because you learn through teaching others), become more plugged in with on fire Christians, and find more ways to serve God unselfishly. I think that perhaps giving up theater will allow me the time to do these things. I do not know what's in store, but God is working and moving in my life. I am not the same person who left Bethel this spring feeling defeated. Through God, I will conquer the feelings of unworthiness and will spring forth to do what He desires. Amen.